Email Marketing

SUBJECT: The untold history of Zeus
PREVIEW TEXT: We asked a Greek meteorologist if Zeus actually threw lightning bolts

UNTOLD HISTORY: ZEUS

Welcome to Beardbrand’s newest email series, Untold History, where we examine the untold stories behind some of history's most notable characters.

This week’s edition: Zeus.

Zeus was the father of all gods and humans, ruling over the skies and dishing out justice from his perch atop Mount Olympus. When angered, old Zeus roared thunderously and threw lightning bolts from the sky, sending frenzied humans into panicked attempts to appease him.

But for years, we’ve wondered — did Zeus actually throw lightning bolts?

It all sounds pretty suspect, so we reached out to Nikos Papadopoulos, a Greek meteorologist and self-proclaimed “mythology nerd,” and what we learned was rather, uh, shocking…

“Yeah, no — Zeus didn’t throw lightning bolts; that’s literally impossible,” says Papadopoulos. “What most likely happened is that Zeus was generating static electricity every time he scratched his beard — which he was probably doing frequently. I mean, have you been to the top of Mount Olympus? The air is, like, really, really dry up there. It’s making my beard itch just thinking about it.”

Nikos doesn’t know for sure why Zeus didn’t just use beard oil to reduce the itchiness of his beard, but he has a theory:

“Yeah, I mean, he had a real God complex, you know? I think Zeus believed manufactured products were beneath him. Could beard oil have helped him? probably. I imagine that dry, itchy beard was a cause of suffering for him — and all that static electricity instilled fear in a lot of innocent people.”

So, there you have it. Zeus didn’t throw lightning bolts; he likely just suffered from a dry, itchy beard.

BINGE-WORTHY BAR SOAP

When we crafted The Body Bar, our goal was to raise the bar on bar soap. But the rich lather, gentle exfoliants, and fresh woodsy aroma may have also created a new phenomenon known as binge showering.

What’s binge showering? We’ll let Leo explain:

"The Body Bar makes me want to take ten showers a day. It smells great with the eucalyptus, basil and sandalwood; it lathers so luxuriously I feel like I'm taking a bubble bath when I'm in the shower; The Body Bar rinses cleanly and leaves my skin feeling refreshed. Additionally, I love the weight and size of The Body Bar, it feels substantive and justifies the value. Best part is, my girlfriend and dog love the scent.”

- Leo F. Verified Buyer, April 26, 2023

It has been confirmed that the feeling of refreshed, touchably soft skin can make you want to shower again and again and again. Fortunately, at 7 ounces, The Body Bar is built to handle the occasional shower binge. And with moisturizing shea butter and antioxidant-rich milk thistle, you can sneak in that extra shower or two without drying out your skin.

Feel the difference. Try our new bar soap today!

PS: Ten showers a day is definitely too many showers — and probably not the best use of your time. Binge showering is not recommended for your skincare routine. Lather responsibly.

SUBJECT: 51 Going On 31
PREVIEW TEXT: Turn back time with The Good Serum

AGE IS NOTHING BUT A NUMBER

Have you ever found yourself saying, “If I only knew then what I know now?” Well, it’s impossible to be a younger version of yourself with the knowledge you have now — unless you’re withholding information about time travel from the rest of us.

The good news is that you can look like that younger, more handsome version of yourself with all the knowledge you have now. And it’s as simple as adding The Good to your nightly self-care routine.

We’ll let Brandon explain:

“Very impressed. I just turned 51 but lately many women have thought that I was in my 30s. My mother preached taking care of one’s skin, glad I’m finally listening.”
- Brandon W. Verified Buyer, March 15, 2023

The Good is crafted with both wild-harvested and organic botanicals that help your skin look tighter and smoother while reducing the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. In a commissioned third-party, US-based clinical trial, 81% of men reported looking younger after using The Good.

And at the end of the day, age is nothing but a number. So if people perceive you as 20 years younger than you actually are, who’s to say they’re wrong?

Start revealing healthier skin today. Shop The Good.

PS: Younger you will be proud of older you.

SUBJECT: “Makes the bears clean”
PREVIEW TEXT: Beard Wash: it’s good for cleaning beards and bears.

“MAKES THE BEARS CLEAN”

Gerken ordered some Beardbrand Beard Wash & Softener, and apparently used it to wash the bears…

“Great Product!!! Makes the bears clean and smell good all day whether in the office or on the trails.”
- Gerken (Phoenix, US), 12/27/2019

Now, we know this was probably a typo, and Gerken meant to say “makes the beard clean and smell good,” (which, it definitely does)—but we don’t want to make assumptions.

• What if Gerken actually did wash bears?
• Are there even bears in Phoenix, Arizona?
• Did Gerken wash the… Chicago Bears?

We’ll likely never know the real answer here, but we’re glad to know that Gerken is loving Beardbrand Beard Wash & Softener.

Disclaimer: Beardbrand products are not intended for use on bears. If you come across bears in the wild, do not attempt to wash them.

SUBJECT: Apparently, we’re “not very good” at marketing
PREVIEW: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

MARKETING SCHMARKETING

There’s a tone that many brands take when marketing beard products. It’s a sort of ultra-macho, you’re-not-a-man-if-you-don’t-have-a-beard tone.

Maybe you’ve seen examples of this on the internet.

But to us, it seems like most beard-related brands are only interested in trying to convince you that you’ll get the girl (or all the girls) if you just grew a burly beard and used their products.

Boy, do we hate that.

We don’t know who needs to hear this, but growing a beard and using Beardbrand products won’t do any of the following for you:

• It won’t make you any more masculine.
• It won’t help you get the girl or anyone that you’re hoping to attract.
• It won’t make you a better father, son, brother, husband, partner, friend, employee, boss, or community member.

What will help you do everything listed above is being confident in who you are and loving the man staring back at you in the mirror.

Look, we don’t care if you grow a beard or not. We care about helping men invest in themselves and their personal growth. It just so happens that we believe grooming to be an essential catalyst in helping you be awesome.

So, maybe we’re shooting ourselves in the foot, and we’d sell a lot more products if we resorted to juvenile marketing tactics. Oh, well. We’re more interested in creating a community of awesome men who just want to Keep on Growing.

SUBJECT: Is soap
PREVIEW TEXT: Use soap on hairy bits. Nice.

USE SOAP ON HAIRY BITS. NICE.

If you sat a chimpanzee down in front of a keyboard for an infinite amount of time, they would almost surely type out any given text—such as the complete songbook of Willie Nelson or a compelling review of Beardbrand Utility Bars.

Sound crazy? Well, this is what is known as the “infinite monkey theorem.” And just the other day, a customer testimonial appeared on the Beardbrand website that was bananas.

We’ll let you see for yourself:

“IS SOAP. SOAP SMELL GOOD. MAKE SHINY. IMPORTANT! NO EAT SOAP. USE SOAP ON HAIRY BITS. NICE. IMPORTANT! NO USE SOAP ON OTHER PEOPLE HAIRY BITS. THEY ASK YOU. NICE. SOAP GOOD FOR SHAVE, HAIR, BODY, NAUGHTY PARTS. AGAIN! NO. EAT. SOAP. COMPANY GOOD. SOAP ARRIVER QUICKLY IN NICE BOX. (NO EAT BOX.) COMPANY PEOPLE PROBABLY NICE, TOO. NO WAY OF KNOWING IN TIME OF WORLDWIDE EXISTENTIAL CRISI. MANY STARS. WILL ORDER AGAIN.”
- John Hartman (Kent, US), 04/27/2021

We’ll never know for sure if John Hartman is just a monkey hammering away at a keyboard or not.

But we do know the following to be true about Beardbrand Utility Bars:

• Beardbrand Utility Bars do indeed smell good.
• They do make you shiny and are good to use on your hairy bits.
• You certainly should not eat them or the box they arrive in.
• You can absolutely use them to shave and clean hair, body, and naughty parts.
• The company people are indeed nice.

Quit monkeying around and grab some Beardbrand Utility Bars. Is soap.

SUBJECT: You have what it takes
PREVIEW TEXT: You’re the proof

YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

Some time ago, in the not-so-distant past, your life was very different than it is today.

Your life was simpler then, or perhaps it was more chaotic than it is now. Maybe it was about the same. But one thing is definite — you didn’t really have any knowledge of what your life would be like on Tuesday, April 25th, 2022.

Sure, you had ideas, aspirations, and goals. Maybe you’ve achieved all of your wildest dreams, or perhaps you were derailed somewhere along the way.

None of that really matters.

What matters is that you went forward day-in and day-out. Even with uncertainty nipping at your heels, you kept showing up — a little shaky and uncertain at first, but gradually more and more confidently. And all along the way, you took your licks, losses, and defeats and dusted yourself off, and you kept on growing.

How do we know all of this?

Because you are here — right now — reading this email.

Every day, we each have the freedom to choose how we are going to show up.

Keep feeding your hunger to improve, and trust that you have what it takes — because you do.

SUBJECT: Please don’t eat the Beard Oil
PREVIEW TEXT: Seriously, you guys, we’re starting to get worried

PLEASE DON’T EAT THE BEARD OIL

Listen, guys—we know that Beardbrand Beard Oil smells amazing.

But, here’s the thing… Okay, this is kind of awkward to talk about…

Look, we’re starting to get a little worried that some of you might be eating your Beardbrand Beard Oil.

“I've tried most of the flavors of Beardbrand's Beard Oil and Four Vices is by far my favorite.”
- Roger L. (Oneida, US), 03/31/21

“I'm like a perfect face brisket. Made in a Temple. With Smoke. Temple Smoke Beard Oil. It's barbecue sauce FOR YOUR FACE.”
- Jared B. (Brooklyn, NY), 05/06/21

“Great stuff, both as a beard dressing and face moisturizer.”
- Milton O., 05/12/21

We formulated Beardbrand Beard Oil with Abyssinian, Babassu, Jojoba, and Castor oils. It’s like nothing else on the market. Our Beard Oil blend is absorbed quickly, long-lasting, non-greasy, and the fragrances are worthy of a chef’s kiss.

But, just because your beard drinks up Beardbrand Beard Oil like a plant that hasn’t been watered in months doesn’t mean that you should drink it—or use it as bbq sauce or salad dressing.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way—grab some Beardbrand Beard Oil and nourish your beard.

SUBJECT: We never thought we’d have to say this again
PREVIEW TEXT: Please don’t eat the Beard Oil...

PLEASE DON'T EAT THE BEARD OIL

Last year, we received quite a few reviews that led us to believe that some people were feeling inclined to eat Beardbrand Beard Oil.

That worried us, so we sent out a simple, friendly reminder not to eat the Beard Oil.

But alas, here we are again...

We know that Beardbrand Beard Oil smells amazing—but we’re concerned that some of you might still be eating your Beardbrand Beard Oil.

“Have used several of the Beardbrand products - tried the Old Money Mustache Wax; fell in love with the smell. Ordered the Beard Oil in the same fragrance; good product, but will never order it again - I can not stand the taste of the oil. I can’t tell if it’s a soapy taste or what ingredient causes this, but it’s awful.”
- Verified Customer (Madison, WI), 05/20/22

We formulated Beardbrand Beard Oil with Abyssinian, Babassu, Jojoba, and Castor oils. It’s like nothing else on the market. Our Beard Oil blend is absorbed quickly, long-lasting, non-greasy, and the fragrances are worthy of a chef’s kiss.

But, just because your beard drinks up Beardbrand Beard Oil like a plant that hasn’t been watered in months doesn’t mean that you should drink it or lick it off the tips of your mustache.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way—grab some Beardbrand Beard Oil and nourish your beard.

SUBJECT: Quit horsin’ around 🏇
PREVIEW TEXT: and get a derby-worthy mane and tail for 10% less

YOUR BEST BET

It’s Kentucky Derby day, and while everyone else is jockeying for position, we’re putting you on the fast track to the winner’s circle.

Now through Monday, we’re hooking you up with 10% off on Beardbrand Utility Wash and Utility Softener sets. And that 10% off is in addition to the money you save by bundling 3 or more Beardbrand products.

Beardbrand Utility Wash and Utility Softener harness the power of coconuts to deliver gentle cleansing and conditioning to your hair, beard, and skin. These two versatile products are all you need for a derby-worthy mane and tail. And unlike the prototypical jockey, these bottles are tall — 14 fluid ounces tall.

So quit horsin’ around and grab a Beardbrand Utility Wash and Utility Softener duo today or Sunday — it’s the best bet you’ll make all weekend.

SUBJECT: Timber!
PREVIEW TEXT: The fragrance that leaves them pining for more

LEAVE THEM PINING FOR MORE

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Who the hell cares when you smell this good!

We’ll go out on a limb and say it—Tree Ranger will leave you and those close to you pining for more.

This light and refreshing blend of eucalyptus, fresh pine, and sweet, sweet cedarwood takes root in your beard, hair, and skin. Tree Ranger keeps you smelling like you just hiked through a Pacific Northwest Forest and sends a message to the world that says, “I’m a freakin’ trailblazer.”

And with 11 different Tree Ranger products, you can build a grooming routine around one fragrance and put an end to scent confusion.

• Beard Oil
• Utility Balm
• Utility Bar
• Shampoo & Conditioner
• Beard Wash & Softener
• Styling Balm
• Sea Salt Spray
• Mustache Wax
• Deodorant

Branch out and get yourself some Tree Ranger.

But don’t miss the forest for the trees—shop Tree Ranger Bundles and take advantage of Beardbrand’s special bundle pricing.

SUBJECT: This suds for you
PREVIEW TEXT: “This is the best damn soap to ever walk the earth”

THIS SOAP AIN’T MADE FOR WALKING

Ever since we heavily discounted our Utility Bar 3-Packs a few weeks ago, they’ve been flying off the shelves. We’re pretty darn excited about that. But, what’s even more exciting is seeing the reviews come in from new Utility Bar users.

Take Brian, for example, who learned what we’ve been saying all along.

“This is the best damn soap to ever walk the earth. Ok…maybe soap doesn’t walk. But it smells fantastic & works great on your skin, beard, hair, and you can shave with it too. You can’t go wrong. Get yourself some.”
- Brian S. (Beaver Falls, US), 04/02/20

You're right, Brian—soap can't walk, which is why we always say the following:

This soap ain't made for walking
So walking it won't do
But one of these days this soap
is gonna be all over you

PS: We’ve never ever said that.
PPS: Grab a 3-Pack of Utility Bars while they’re still heavily discounted.

SUBJECT: Holy smokes
PREVIEW TEXT: Our NEW limited-edition Molten Lava Beard Comb is straight fire.

INTRODUCING THE LIMITED-EDITION MOLTEN LAVA BEARD COMB

Hidden beneath the surface of your skin is a beard just waiting to erupt, and when those follicles flow freely from your face, you’re going to need a Beard Comb built for the task.

Enter the brand new, limited edition Molten Lava Beard Comb.

Holy. Smokes.

This beauty is the Firebird of Beard Combs.

Let’s break it down:

• Each Beardbrand Beard Comb is handmade from Italian cellulose acetate—a plant-based, rubber-like material that doesn’t produce static and won’t snag your hair.

• Each comb tooth is then saw-cut by skilled craftsmen and rounded with a pumice stone—yeah, we’re talking volcanic rock here.

• Lastly, they’re hand-polished, exposed to an acid vapor, and tumbled.

The result is the smoothest Beard Comb your beard has ever experienced. How smooth? We’re talking Sean “Diddy” Combs smooth.

But, these bad boys won’t be around forever. Once we burn through the Molten Lava Beard Combs, they’ll be replaced with another limited-edition acetate.

Snag one for your collection before they disappear forever.

SUBJECT: Phthalates are in the news... again
PREVIEW TEXT: Why we’re committed to phthalate-free products

WE’RE PEED OFF ABOUT THIS “P” WORD

Last week, CNN reported on a new study that found more damning evidence related to the use of phthalates in consumer products.

Now, if you’ve never heard of the strange phth-word, you might be wondering…

What the heck are phthalates, and how do you even pronounce that word?!

Phthalates (pronounced thal-ates) are a group of chemicals used to make plastics soft and pliable. Additionally, they can be found in many cosmetic products such as shampoo, hair spray, and cologne.

Phthalates can also be found in your body—but not in a your-body-produces-them-naturally kind of way. Instead, we ingest phthalates from food or beverages packaged in plastic containing phthalates, dairy, and meat from animals that have been exposed, and from grooming products.

And according to George Washington University, nearly all Americans have phthalate byproducts in their urine.

So, should I be pissed about having phthalates in my pee?

Like most things, more evidence is needed on phthalates to draw firmer conclusions.

That said, it seems like new diseases or fertility issues are being linked to these chemical compounds every year—and this new study reported by CNN adds to a growing database on the impact of plastics in the human body.

It is worth noting that there are a plethora of different phthalates out there, and not all of them have been studied. As of right now, phthalates are deemed safe by the FDA—but the research is something they are closely monitoring.

Our ethos at Beardbrand is to develop high-quality grooming products that work with your body’s natural chemistry—not alter it. Phthalates have never fit within our standards, and that is why all Beardbrand products are phthalate-free.

Ready to build a grooming routine around products made with ingredients that you don’t have to pee out of your system? We got you.